When Mom, Dad Move In

Caregiving Real Life Story - When Mom, Dad Move In

The Enterprise-Press (Inland Southern California), July 3, 2006
By Laurie Lucas

Introduction

Louise Hernandez, consummate caregiver and fiercely independent, raised eight children. Three years ago, one of them, Cesaria Hernandez, figured it was time to take care of her mother.

Louise, then 79, sold her four-bedroom home and moved in with her daughter's family in Hemet.

"It has been a transition of great adjustments and surprising challenges for all of us," said Cesaria, 38, who has six children at home, including 1 �-year-old triplets. "But amazingly, it has all come together wonderfully for our whole family."

Louise Hernandez, 82, helps her daughter Cesaria Hernandez wash dishes after dinner in her daughter's home in Hemet.

Making room for Mommy and Daddy is a scenario that's increasingly being played out among grown children in this country, especially baby boomers with aging parents.

Although there are no statistics on how many parents are flocking to their kids' nests, Cesaria Hernandez and her husband, Duane Minard, are part of this phenomenon. According to the 2000 census, 4 percent of U.S. households (3.9 million) now have three or more generations living together, and a third of those include parents who have invited grandparents to move in.

Picture credit: Terry Pierson / The Press-Enterprise

Lives Change

Ruth Walker has her parents, Celia, 82, and Bernard Herrmann, 86, living with her family in Riverside, including her daughter, Jennifer, 6, and their dog.

Dealing with her parents' numerous medical problems, their guilt feelings and mood swings can leave Walker exhausted as well as hoarse from yelling because of their deafness. "It's a roller coaster ride," she said.

Her parents, Celia and Bernard Herrmann, are financially secure and have developed a routine. Celia fixes breakfast for the couple and Meals on Wheels delivers lunch. The Herrmanns listen under headphones in a separate room to the muted TV to reduce the noise level. Twice a week Walker accompanies her dad to a 24 Hour Fitness. He told the manager his goals were "just to stay alive," she said with a laugh.

Picture credit: Carrie Rosema / The Press-Enterprise

Lynn Pronio, of Corona, realizes that responsibility for her 94-year-old mother has dramatically changed both of their lives.

"I'm not resentful," said Pronio, 58, who has sharply scaled back her career with a church ministry since her mom moved in three yeas ago. "I don't know how long this season is going to be, but she's with us now and I'm her sole caregiver."

Initially the move shook up her mother's world. Until Dorothy Davidson fell, she'd lived alone in Long Beach, playing bridge, volunteering at a hospital, visiting friends.

"She's no longer the strong, independent woman she was," said Pronio. "She can't talk on the phone because she's hard of hearing. But she's very accepting of the situation now."

One of the biggest problems is caregiver burnout, said Kristine Wagner, a clinical psychologist in Temecula.

"To take care of others, first, you have to take care of yourself." She suggests respite care or adult day-care centers to prevent meltdown and alleviate overload.

Linda Sperlich learned first-hand about the demand for relief after looking after hers and her husband's parents before they died within a 14-month period. In January 2004, she launched a day program in Riverside called Together Time, licensed for six adults older than 18, particularly targeting the elderly.

"There's a huge need for them to get out and socialize," said Sperlich, 58. She provides breakfast, lunch, snacks, games, arts, crafts, movies, grooming, music, shopping and cultural trips, picnics and light exercises from 7 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. Monday through Friday.

Since her mother-in-law moved in last March, Laura Ramirez, 35, of Corona, said their relationship has improved since the early years of her marriage. "Although sometimes I'm exhausted, she's content with us. As our parents get older, the last thing I'd want to do is put them in a convalescent home."

Garon Friend, 14, left; grandmother Louise Hernandez; and Kayle Friend, 16; and triplets Roberto, Rafael and Emilia Hernandez share laughter before prayer time.